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  CONTENTS

  Chapter 1: How the Good News was brought

  Chapter 2: Alison Mailer

  Chapter 3: Jockeying for position

  Chapter 4: Radio Broadwich

  Chapter 5: A concern for the amenities

  Chapter 6: A death in the family

  Chapter 7: Constabulary duties

  Chapter 8: Matter for a May morning

  Chapter 9: Private and personal

  Chapter 10: In quest of a personality

  Chapter 11: A child among you taking notes

  Chapter 12: Financial and scholastic

  Chapter 13: The letter killeth

  Chapter 14: En famille

  Chapter 15: Afterwards

  CHAPTER I

  HOW THE GOOD NEWS WAS BROUGHT

  The letter arrived on the front doormat of Glencoe, the residence of the Chairman of the Twytching District Council, on Wednesday morning, but (the Chairman being busy in the kitchen frying bacon and mushrooms, poaching eggs and toasting toast) it was some time before he came to hear of its contents. Instead the Chairman’s lady wife, who liked people to call her the Mayoress, consented to bend her substantial frame in the course of her progress from the bedroom to the breakfast room and collect it with all the rest of the official mail. Once seated she spread the letters fan-like around her breakfast plate. Then she settled her bosom comfortably on to the table and tucked genteely into her porridge.

  The words ‘Radio Broadwich’ on the long envelope in the middle of her fan of letters caught her eye as the first spoonful of the smooth scalding liquid began its journey down her throat. Drawn from the fan, the envelope revealed further, in small print, the words ‘serving East Anglia and the South East’. Deborah Withens furrowed her brow, and thoughtfully stirred a modicum of brown sugar into the porridge. Radio Broadwich. Now that was odd. Her communications with the BBC had been many and unhappy, though in fact they had not been favoured with a missive from her for many months, for the courteous rationality of their replies – ‘sheer evasion’ she called it – had sat heavily on her bosom. Recently she had channelled her remarks through Mrs Margaret Lightfoot of the League for the Preservation of Decent Standards in Radio and Television, and had been highly satisfied with the amount of publicity accorded the screened indecencies she had witnessed. But this letter could be about none of her recent complaints – not about the scandalous reference to coitus interruptus on Woman’s Hour, nor about the bare-breasted dancing by Ibo tribeswomen shown on Children’s Television. Radio Broadwich, she felt sure, was a commercial radio station, though in point of fact she had to admit to herself that she had never actually listened to it. Tireless though she was in her efforts to combat the rising flood of indecency, still, there were limits to the amount of time one could devote to it, and the number of ears. Then again, a great deal of their output was pop music, and she knew from her contacts with other members of the Decent Standards League that the search for concealed meanings in pop songs could lead only to frustration, madness and public ridicule, none of which were fates Mrs Withens had any intention of bringing on herself.

  This, then, must be some other matter, but what could it be? Mrs Withens blew a lady-like breath in the direction of the porridge, and was about to open the letter when she saw that it was in fact addressed not to herself but to her husband. Her husband! Doubly inquisitive, she inserted a pudgy finger into the opening at the top, and tore it open.

  Two good mouthfuls of porridge later, an observer would have been surprised to see a smile spreading over her face. An observer well acquainted with Mrs Withens would always be surprised to see a smile spreading over her face. It was, to be sure, a steely, determined smile, a smile portending triumphs to come, and it disappeared before she majestically drew porridge-flecked air into her majestic lungs, and bellowed: ‘Ernest!’

  From the kitchen there came a series of puppyish whines and a clatter of pans, and a minute or so later Ernest Withens, Chairman of the Twytching District Council, came puffing in, an apron around his ample middle, and a plate of assorted breakfast goodies in his hand. Mrs Withens observed him arrive, raised her eyebrows by a decimal point, and allowed a couple of seconds to elapse in eloquent silence before she threw her eyes down to her porridge plate and said: ‘I have not as yet finished my porridge, Ernest.’

  The words were not in themselves striking, but the pauses between them were immensely telling. Mr Withens emitted further whimpers of apology and backed with his plate towards the kitchen.

  ‘Leave it, leave it,’ said Mrs Withens, with an autumnal intonation, ‘you know I detest warmed-up food. I must just hurry with my porridge, I suppose – at whatever cost to my indigestion.’

  And she tucked in with a will, while Mr Withens stood to apologetic attention and waited for illumination. Finally, with a delicate belch which she caught in her napkin, Mrs Withens pushed her plate from her, drew towards her the eggs, bacon and mushrooms, and examined the knife and fork for any signs of slovenly washing up. Finally, as she poised her knife to break the egg over the bacon and toast, she said: ‘You have been written to, Ernest, by a gentleman at Radio Broadwich.’

  ‘Really, Deborah?’ said Mr Withens. He did not complain that she had opened his mail. That protest had been made on 7th February 1947, after four months of marriage. It had not been renewed. Mr Withens waited.

  ‘They are intending, Ernest, to visit Twytching in the very near future.’

  ‘Really, Deborah?’ said Mr Withens again. ‘I didn’t know you had made any complaints about their programmes.’ Taking advantage of a pause necessitated by the thorough mastication of a large, succulent mushroom, he added ingratiatingly: ‘They must have been very impressed by your letter if they think of paying you a visit.’

  Mrs Withens sighed heavily. ‘If you would listen to me, Ernest, just once in a while, you would have heard me say that the letter was addressed to you. The visit, therefore, has nothing whatsoever to do with my monitoring work for the Decent Standards League.’

  ‘No, of course not, Deborah,’ said Ernest Withens.

  ‘Radio Broadwich,’ said Mrs Withens, slowly and impressively, ‘is intending to make a documentary programme about Twytching. To be sent to America, and broadcast over a Wisconsin radio station. I presume you understand why?’

  Light indeed seemed to have dawned.

  ‘Our twin town,’ said Ernest Withens. ‘Twytching, Wis.’

  ‘Precisely,’ said his wife. ‘One feels one’s labours have not been in vain.’

  The royal ‘one’ so modestly used by Deborah Withens should not be allowed to conceal the fact that her pat was on her own back, and was thoroughly justified. As soon as her husband attained his present exalted office, she had ordered him to make contact with his opposite number in Twytching, Wis. (a town of some forty thousand American souls), and the twinning had been arranged in no time. Before long, it was confidently expected, little knots of descendants of the founding fathers of Twytching, Wis., would be trickling each summer back to Twytching, England, in search of their roots. Already Mrs Withens had exchanged several letters with the Mayoress (how she begrudged her the title!) of Twytching, Wis., a blue-rinsed virago who scented publicity and future free accommodation from the twinning. Gush and condescension alternated in the correspondence, the lady of Twytching, Wis., being particularly strong in the former quality, the lady of Twyt
ching, England, quite unparalleled in the latter. All in all, it had been a marriage of true minds, and now, far from having impediments admitted, it was to be productive of a glorious offspring.

  ‘Radio Broadwich,’ said Mrs Withens impressively, ‘has been contacted by the Wisconsin station. There has been, I gather, much publicity in the area concerning the twinning, and they propose a documentary nearly an hour long – allowing time for commercials. They suggest it might be called “This is Twytching – a portrait of an English village”. We might perhaps change that to “country town”, but that is a mere detail.’

  ‘This must be most gratifying to you, Deborah,’ said Ernest Withens in the self-congratulatory pause that followed. ‘What form will the programme take?’

  ‘Well, apparently they’ve done one before – for a town in Essex with a twin in Canada. I gather they will record some typical events and features of village life, then there will be a series of interviews with selected members of the community. A gentleman will be flown from the radio station to conduct the interviews. And then the producer says that some of those interviewed will be asked to choose a favourite piece of music to be played for their American cousins – “as light relief”, he says. Hmm. But still, it sounds a very nice type of programme. A sort of Down Your Way specially for our American cousins. How they will enjoy it!’

  ‘When have they said they will be coming, Deborah?’

  ‘The middle of May, or just after. And Mr – ’ (here Mrs Withens peered at a lazy scrawl at the bottom of the letter) – ‘Livermore, I think, says that they will send it out on Radio Broadwich as soon as it’s completed, to give the locals a chance to hear it, before the tape is sent to America. What a thrill for the town! And what an opportunity!’

  ‘Opportunity, Deborah?’

  ‘Opportunity, Ernest,’ repeated Mrs Withens in a thrilling voice, like Clara Butt tuning up. ‘To put the town on the map. To show our friends in America what a really clean and decent and upstanding place England still can be, once you come outside those filthy, degenerate towns. We must make Twytching a symbol of all the old values which made England a great and decent place.’

  ‘We, Deborah?’

  ‘I, Ernest,’ said Mrs Withens, for once accepting the correction. ‘I shall project an . . . image’ (Mrs Withens had picked up all sorts of modish words while fighting shoulder to shoulder with Spotless Maggie) ‘which will be a rebuke to the laxity and cynicism of the age.’

  ‘That will be nice,’ said the Chairman. ‘Who else have they asked to be on, do you think?’

  ‘As yet, they have asked no one to be on,’ said Mrs Withens. ‘I shall write your reply to them in the near future, making it clear that I myself will appear, and perhaps suggesting one or two other names, though we need not have a final list before they arrive here. I shall want to weigh up the pros and cons as far as certain members of the community are concerned.’ There came into her eyes a glint of district-council power lust as this new opportunity for dispensing patronage flowered in her brain. ‘I think by the time the producer arrives here, I can have a short list which will be representative of all the various sides of life in Twytching.’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be very grateful, dear,’ said Mr Withens. ‘What particular sides were you thinking of, though?’

  ‘Well, there’s . . . there’s,’ but for once Mrs Withens’s fertile tongue came to a halt. It was very difficult to say what ‘sides’ there were to Twytching life, except gossip, sloth and beer-drinking. The villagers seemed to have few ambitions beyond those of reaching retirement age as quickly as possible, and remaining alive as long as possible after that, to spite the government. ‘There’s education,’ she finally produced triumphantly. ‘There’s the school. And the church, of course.’

  ‘Don’t you think the vicar . . . ?’

  ‘Well, no, not the vicar. Definitely not the vicar. But perhaps he could get a nice young curate by then. We wouldn’t want the long hair and leather-jacket type, though. Perhaps one of the church-wardens. Or the sexton.’

  ‘Old Everett certainly is a character,’ said Mr Withens dubiously, ‘but his language . . .’

  ‘His language can be cleaned up, like everything else,’ said Mrs Withens determinedly. ‘You seem to be approaching this matter with a singularly faint heart. If you are not enthusiastic, I certainly am. We are going to put Twytching on the map. This, Ernest, will be the highlight of your period of office.’

  ‘Really, Deborah?’ said Mr Withens.

  ‘Toast, Ernest,’ said Mrs Withens, turning her attention back to everyday matters. ‘Don’t stand there dreaming all day. I have a hard morning’s work in front of me.’

  • • •

  Mrs Leaze piloted her massive and ill-co-ordinated frame around the shelves of the Twytching village shop, keeping an eye on her customers in a manner she found much more satisfactory than what she called ‘one of them two-way mirror things’. The village shop had recently been slightly redesigned and rechristened the village supermarket, and this reorganization meant that instead of Mrs Leaze getting things for her customers, she now told them where everything was that she felt they might or ought to need. This change suited Mrs Leaze, for the retailing of information was her forte, and she had a variety of different tones for the assorted items of information, ranging from a breezy cackle to a choked whisper. It was not for nothing that she was known to the village wits as ‘Mrs Sleaze’, and there were many who contended that one could judge the staple of village news by the length of petticoat showing under the hem of her dress: on dull days she remembered to hitch it up, but when there was a juicy item to be circulated from customer to customer it was allowed to drift down and down, like the floating pound. Today there was a good six inches to be seen beneath the grubby floral print dress which had looked so different on the mail-order catalogue’s ‘fuller figure’ page.

  ‘Can you find the eggs, Mrs Jimson?’ she shrilled from the end of the row of shelves to a tall, sensible-looking woman in sensible brown skirt and jumper, looking down in a puzzled manner at a trolley whose wheels seemed to be set permanently in reverse. ‘Down by the Omo. See? That’s right. They’re nice and fresh, new in day before yesterday. Will you be wanting sugar then? It’s up there by the meat pastes and things. Yes, isn’t it a price, eh? I don’t know what things are coming to, do you? Bit grubby, you say? Well, it’s only the package, isn’t it? Can’t shift goods in a town this size, that’s the trouble. D’je hear about Mrs Buller’s Val? Didn’t you? Well . . .’ Here she came a step or two forward and lowered her voice to a tone three grades above the choked whisper, Mrs Buller’s Val not being thought worth any greater degree of discretion. ‘Well, she’s big again, three months gone, so ’er mother told Mrs Brewer, that’s Mrs Brewer at the fish shop, Eric’s mum, you know, and it’s not ’is, not ’er ’usband’s, that’s for sure, because Sam Rice wasn’t ’ome at the time. ’E’s at sea, y’know, an ’e wasn’t ’ome between well before Christmas and last month, not once, so it stands to reason it can’t be ’is – ’less ’e sent it by post, eh? ’Less ’e sent it by post!’

  Here Mrs Leaze, in tribute to her own powers as an entertainer, burst out into a cackle of laughter that shook her flabby body up and down in several directions and rocked several tins of merchandise perilously on the shelves. Jean Jimson took the opportunity of slipping round to the next row of shelves, hoping to have heard the last of it, but Mrs Leaze put a smart stop to her paroxysm and beetled round at the other end, fearful of a packet of Oxo cubes being spirited into Mrs Jimson’s handbag, because she always said you couldn’t trust schoolmasters’ wives.

  ‘Tinned peas up there with the marmalades,’ she said, ‘bit to your right – that’s it. Well, as I was saying, it’s my guess ’e’s going to accept it as ’is own, because I saw them lovey-dovey as you like when ’e was ’ome last, an’ ’e must’ve known then, mustn’t ’e? An’ it wouldn’t be the first time, either, oh dear me no. Well, that young Peter, the s
ix-year-old, little ginger boy, well, you’d be surprised if I told you ’oo ’is father was. Be more than my life’s worth, I can tell you. But ’oo does the ’air put you in mind of, eh? ’Oo does ’e favour? Is that all, love, sure you ’aven’t forgotten anything?’

  Jean Jimson stuck her trolley firmly against the cash register and said she was quite sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. The most irritating part of her visit was now at hand, for Mrs Leaze insisted on broadcasting to the entire shop the item-by-item cost of her purchases, apparently regarding her willingness to do this as irrefutable proof of her own honesty.

  ‘Tin of peas, eighteen pee, frozen fish fingers, that’s twenty pee, tin of fish paste – was that a special, love? – well, we’ll say ten pee, shall we? bar of chocolate, seven pee . . . ’Ullo, Miss Potts, lovely morning, on your way to the library, were you? Yes, well, I’d fancy a biscuit if I ’ad your job: get a nice packet of lemon-creams to keep yer mind on things. I don’t know ’ow you remember all them books, I don’t really, you’re a marvel . . . Where was I? Pound of New Zealand butter, twenty-five pee, bottle of Cyprus sherry – ’aving guests, are you then? – one pound and five pee . . . That’s the lot then, is it? Four pounds, twenty-three pee, isn’t it dreadful? ’Ave you got the right, I’m clean out of change today? That’s it. Thanks very much, love. ’Ere, did you ’ear about the commercial radio people coming ’ere – I ’ad it from Mrs Withens ’erself . . .’

  But Jean Jimson excused herself from hearing about the commercial radio people and Mrs Withens on the grounds that she had left something on to boil. She bundled her bulging bags (one of which promised to burst before she got home) out of the shop, kicking herself for not having bought most of the items three or four pence cheaper last time she was in Barstowe. Before she was well out Mrs Leaze had turned to her other customer, an undersized little person, with a furtive, librarian’s expression, and Jean heard her say: